as usual, i'm surfing the net and posting in the middle of the night. i'm not used to sleeping like a normal person should anymore. don't get me wrong, i'm not an insomniac, it's just that my sleeping pattern's become totally messed up. i'm most likely to spend the day sleeping and the rest of the night awake watching TV (found out how great House and Chuck are), in front of the computer or reading a book. exams are coming up, though i'm not really worried about it. i'm more bugged by recurring feelings of... 'purposelessness', if there is such a word.
it's like, i'm always hitting a dead end, a blank page most of the time. i'm always thinking, after a long day of school or weekend, "what the heck am i supposed to do next?". it's pretty hard to explain, but i'll try anyway. i couldn't visualize a clear picture or a long-term goal. to graduate, sure, but then, what? i constantly sift through material, both tangible and intangible, in hopes of finding something that'll help me ease that bugging feeling. i keep immersing myself in all sorts of stuff, school clubs, writing, listening to music, anything. just to keep myself busy enough not to think about my 'dilemma'.
i'm not having an existential crisis, not yet. there, that's it, it just hit me; an empty feeling. some void inside me that's sometimes there, sometimes not. i dunno. i think there's something that's lacking in me as a person.
another beef of mine is my own temper. it's pretty short where i burst out snapping and shouting about something so petty as a missing sock. i've had this trait for a long time, as far as i can remember, and i'm not proud of it. i guess it's a way for me to vent my frustrations even i didn't know i had. it's just that after throwing a couple of things around, cursing loudly at inanimate objects as if they were ugly politicians, i feel totally foolish and idiotic. idiotic for realizing i was shouting at an electric fan. i don't find the real reason why i got mad in the first place. maybe i need a shrink?
oh, damn, i feel sleepy already. the next entry'll be in a couple of years or so, i guess.
ja, mata!
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1 comment:
Lee,
That feeling is normal, like what you’ve said “purposelessness”, I usually ask that question when I was your age (I’m not that old okay, I’m just in my mid 20’s). But God has reasons for your existence; maybe the first reason is for you to glorify him for giving you a chance to live on Earth, second maybe because you will be a great person someday like being a dauntless media man that will help our Filipino people.
At this very moment you already have your purpose, and that is to serve the studentry… service is just a simple word… but it conceals sufferings, hardship and truthfulness. But the best part of service is being noble.
On wards G-pipol! Towards a genuine student service.
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